Saturday, September 20, 2014

I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes…or Kidnappers, Either

The problem with having a good imagination is that…well…sometimes…you can have TOO GOOD of an imagination.

Which isn't always a blessing.

Let me backtrack for a moment….

This morning, I bounded out of bed at the bright and early hour of 7:00 am, unbridled in my enthusiasm that I was going to have the exciting opportunity of running for a whopping 90 minutes….


I mean, doesn't EVERYONE just squeal with delight at spending their Saturday morning pounding the pavement in 95% humidity for an hour and a half??!!


Well…me neither, honestly.

But it must be done, if I'm to run in this upcoming half-marathon. Sigh.

So anyway…I ever-so-slowly crawled out of bed, taking a glance at Hubby, who was still buried under the covers.

"Aren't you running, too?" I asked, knowing full well that he was awake, no matter how he tried to feign sleep.

Mumbling something that sounded like, "I'll run tomorrow," he quickly rolled back over…so, shrugging, I got dressed and headed out the door without him. Deciding to begin with the route to the south, I quickly got my running music programmed, and off I went…but it wasn't too long before I quickly discovered why I HATE to be an early-morning runner.

See, living at the lake…I've realized that all of our spiders in residence spend their entire night busily spinning webs from one side of the street to the other…laughing amongst themselves maliciously, knowing darned well that I, an innocent victim, will experience PURE TERROR the next morning as I run through these webs of torture. I could seriously use a machete as I karate chop my way down the street, cursing and freaking out as the silky-but-sticky threads wrap themselves around me in a slow death squeeze.


I hate spiders.

And now I know the TRUE reason why Hubby waits for me to run first.

Anyway…I continue on my journey…stopping every now and then to admire the beautiful sunrise that is rising over the quiet lake…the stillness of the neighborhood, as my neighbors are still all nestled in their beds on this frosty morning…and watching for the ever-present snakes that like to slither across my path just to keep me on my toes.

I hate snakes, too.

At one point, it's time for me to turn around and run back in the other direction, and I soon see Hubby, jogging towards me. He's pretty competitive, and when he saw that I wasn't waiting until tomorrow to run, he'd be darned if HE waited, either. He's not about to let me get one run over him. Anyway, he's already ran a good distance in the other direction, so we take a few minutes to compare notes on how our runs are progressing.

"My heel is hurting," I whine…hoping, in a selfish way, that he'll say, "Oh NO! Your HEEL??!! You should go home right away and go right back to bed!!!! Poor, poor you! And I'll wait on you hand and foot the rest of the day!!!"

But he didn't say that. Drat. So I continued on my run, while he continued on his.

About four miles into my run, I was now on the path to the north that goes down a closed and pretty-much-deserted road…when I saw, up ahead, a white van.

Parked. On the side of that closed and pretty-much-deserted road.

Hmmm….This is odd.

And my imagination quickly went into overdrive.

"Why would a white van be just parked? On the side of the road? On a DESERTED road, no less??!!" I asked. And of course, when you're running all by yourself, and you have no one else around to answer you, you pretty much have to answer your own questions.

"OH MY GOD!!!" I squealed. "What if it's a van full of KIDNAPPERS??!! And when I run by it, they're going to open the door, grab me, pull me in the van, and KIDNAP me??!!"

I mean, it could happen. Right?

Do I continue to run? And run by it? Or do I stop and turn around? Decisions, decisions…and after pondering it for a few minutes, I decided to wisely (???) take a PICTURE of said van, so that way, if they kidnapped me as I ran by it, I'd quickly throw my cell phone into the surrounding fields, and the police would later find it, and there would be a CLUE as to who my kidnappers had been.

Feeling very proud of myself for thinking up such a brilliant plan, I did just that - I took a picture of it. And then ran right by it. Where I saw that it was a deserted van - no kidnappers. Whew.

And note the high quality of this photo - I'm sure it would have been an invaluable clue for the police...

When I saw Hubby later, I had to chastise him a bit…as I knew darned well he'd seen that van at the beginning of HIS run, and could have at least warned me about it, so I wouldn't have had such angst and terror on a Saturday morning (disregarding the spider webs and snake hunt).

"Why didn't you tell me about the van?" I asked, continuing, "You could have told me that there was no one in it…!!"

His answer? "I would have told you about it if it HADN'T been safe to run by it."

Wait, what?

Is THIS what he would have said??!! "Oh, sweetheart…there's a white van up ahead - whatever you do, DON'T run by it, as it's full of kidnappers, just waiting to drag you into it and disappear forever."



I finished my run. I didn't get kidnapped. I cleared the streets of all spider webs. I saw a beautiful sunrise. I saw no snakes. And my heel survived.

And all done by 9:00 am on a Saturday morning.

Not bad, huh?