Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It's Heeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeee!

Damn it.

I've succumbed.

I held out as long as I could...but after awhile, the momentum was against me, and I just couldn't fight it anymore.

We now have an Elf on the Shelf at our house.

Damn it.

I really thought the whole idea of an "elf" watching my kids was rather creepy...and, no elf in our home.

But after seeing the multitudes of cute, creative and ornery elf photos on Pinterest, I couldn't NOT be a part of it anymore....

Yes. I'm a lemming.

So, "Crocker" arrived today at our house. (Crocker is a blend of "Creeper" and "Stalker" - cute, huh? Hee.)

He left the kids a note, which says:

Greetings from the North Pole!

To begin with, my name is Crocker. And I’m an Elf. Obviously.

I’ve been sent down by the big guy himself to keep on eye on all of you….I’m sorry that I’m late, but somehow, somewhere, our Reservations Department at the North Pole had you all in Florida already. So guess where I was? Yup – on the beach. Darn my luck when I realized you weren’t in Ft. Myers – yet – and so here I am.

In the cold, blustery frozen tundra of Missouri.


By now you are aware that it is the Christmas Season. This year I shall be spending some time observing you, watching your every move, and reporting back to my master - you know him as "Santa Claus", but I shall not speak his real name here - on your progress.

Your parents speak to you of the importance of being Nice, as opposed to Naughty. They seek to impose their notions of Good and Bad upon you, and along with that their purpose is to, yes, instill fear in you.

Let us be frank. I am not a happy Elf, sent by "Santa" to provide you with amusement. The game we play - I fly back to the North Pole each night to report to tell my master if you've been Naughty or Nice, returning to perch in a different spot each morning, there to wait while the likes of you search the house for me - is a charade.

And let us drop the pretense: we both know that, despite their threats, Santa will be visiting you this year, as he has every year. He is not a monster; neither are your parents.

But a line must be drawn. Candy cane and cookie-fueled anarchy must be kept at bay; the demented ravings brought on by watching too many toy commercials must be staved. My true purpose is to ensure that all of you do not completely succumb to the madness of the holiday season.

There is no "Naughty" or "Nice", kiddos. There is only Chaos and Order. Order must and will be maintained.

And though you may now be thinking that my presence here represents an ultimately empty threat - rest assured, we have ways of ensuring your compliance.

Put in more practical terms: on Christmas morning, there may be electronics and games...or there may be socks and underwear.

Sleep well. I will be watching.

Merry Christmas!


Anyone else do Elf on the Shelf? Anyone else think it's kinda' creepy? Or is that just me?

We'll see how this all works the meantime, time to go figure out where Crocker is going to hide next.



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