Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dear Santa: I Can Explain

Another Tuesday! My, time flies. Since Christmas is coming, I thought I’d devote today’s "10 on Tuesday" to my wish list for Santa. I came up with my 10 things that I would like to see under the tree. For me. The one and only Drama Queen. So, here's my letter to Santa. Enjoy - and feel free to copy some of these things for your own list, if you're so inclined. I'm sure Santa wouldn't mind bringing several of these things down from the North Pole. His sleigh is certainly big enough. And he's magical and all, you know.

Dear Santa:

Okay, big guy – you know that I’ve been a very good girl this year. I think so, anyway. You could ask my hubby and may get a different answer, but what does he know, anyway? He doesn’t even know how to put his underwear away, so I don’t think I’d trust him with any answers. Yuppers, don't even go and be asking hubby if I've been good. Not a good idea. Just take my word for it. Trust me.

So – since I've been so good and awesome this year - I’ve been working on my Christmas list….and I think I’ve got it all worked out. Look it over, big guy, and see what you can do. I don’t think I’m asking for much – but I’ll let you be the judge. Hey - you don't even have to bring me all 10 things - I'd be happy with just one or two of these things. Here’s my list, in no particular order:

1. Extra arms. You know, nothing against God and all, because – well, he is God, after all – but I think He could have certainly helped me out a little by giving me more than two arms. He didn’t see fit to do that, so I’m asking you, Santa, to bring me some extra arms. Two arms just doesn’t cut it when I have to carry, clean, fold, wash, cook, write, type, comb hair, rub tummies, scritch the cats, and clean ears – all at the same time. Ideally, I’d like 8 arms – just like an octopus – but I’d settle for 4.

2. Eyes in the back of my head. Yeah, I know – I tell the kids every chance I get that I have eyes in the back of my head – but it’s just wishful thinking on my part and a free pass for them since I really don’t. Can you do something about that? I don’t even need to get into the “why” for this – if you’re a parent, you’ll understand.

3. Magical jeans that automatically shrink and expand when needed. Santa – this is an ongoing problem – and perhaps you don’t have this with your red suit and all – but some days my jeans fit pretty good, and other days? Well, let’s just say I need an expanding waistline. And please don’t tell me to put elastic in my jeans. That’s just not cool. No – I need a magical pair of jeans that fit perfectly every time – every day of the month – after every meal, no matter how many calories or cookies I consume. It just sucks to have relatively a few pairs of “skinny” jeans in my closet – and of course, the ever present in voluminous numbers, “fat” jeans. Argh. I just want to own one pair of jeans. Period. Magic jeans. Oh - and if they could "lift" my posterior a bit - that would even be better.

4. More hours in the day. Yeah, again – God only gave me 24 hours in a day. I need more than that to even hope to accomplish everything I need to accomplish. You seem to have a magical secret, since you can deliver toys to every single child in the world in ONE single night…how the heck do you do that? Let me in on that secret, Santa, please?!

5. An automatic, built-in lie detector. I have to say, I’m pretty darn good at giving my kids the “stink eye” if I even think they’re lying to me – I can normally sniff out the B.S. that comes my way. But every now and then, they get one by me. An automatic, built-in lie detector installed in my brain would be great. And it would totally freak the kids out. How cool would that be?

6. A gravity fighter. I blogged yesterday about how gravity is my worst enemy – but I thought I would ask you, Dear Santa, if perhaps you have a gravity fighter in that big bag of yours. Something to make my skin go “up” instead of down. It shouldn’t be that difficult, I would think. Not for you. You can do anything.

7. A wife. Yeah, you heard me. And I’m not being kinky here. I just would like a wife that would wash my clothes, put them away, cook dinner, clean the house, pay the bills, do the errands, take care of the kids – all of that stuff – so that I can get my own work done.

8. More imagination. Okay, I confess, Santa. I get “stuck” sometimes in a rut. I cook the same stuff; I watch the same shows; I do the same routine – and I would like to shake things up a bit. Let me think outside the box every now and then. Let me be wild and crazy and freak my kids out. Let me serve ice cream for dinner once. Or have pizza for breakfast. Or wear pajamas all day on a Saturday. Or die my hair in a really wild color.

9. Perfect answers. Yes, I need answers sometimes, Santa. Don't we all? As a parent, I don’t always have the answers when my kids come to me. Oh, I think fast and come up with what I think is a good answer – but it would be nice if I knew that every time I told the kids something – it was right. And it was good. Can you send me some perfect parental knowledge that I can keep on hand and just whip out when needed? It would sure make my life easier.

10. I saved the best for last, Santa. A 1965 Mustang convertible – bright red – with black leather seats – would be awesome. And I’d be forever in your debt. You can call it a mid-life crisis; I prefer to call it the car I never had but wished I did – so can you work on that? Pretty please with cookies and milk on top? I'd take really good care of it - I'd only drive it on Sundays (snort) - and I'd even change my own oil and rotate my own tires. I think every Drama Queen should have a shiny red convertible. It's better than a carriage.



So, there’s my list for Santa. I’d better get busy and get the garage all cleaned out so I have a place for that new ‘Stang when it comes. Cuz I just know it will be under the tree on Dec. 25th, just waiting for me to wake up and take it out for a spin. With my 8 arms. In my magical jeans. And, of course, let’s not forget the eyes in the back of my head. With perky body parts.

Now, don't be jealous....as I said before, you can copy these. Maybe I'll see you out in YOUR shiny new car with your 8 arms. And if we wave at each other - imagine! Sixteen arms all waving at the same time. Wouldn't that be a sight?! Imagine what the neighbors would say!

What’s on YOUR list this year?



Lora said...

I'm with you on the extra arms, eyes in the back of my head, and more hours in a day! Although, I think if there were more hours in a day it would just be more opportunity for my family to mess up the house. My number one wish would be that I wouldn't need to sleep, but the rest of the world still would. Ahh, the peace, the quiet, the time!

Drama Queen said...

Lora - I LOVE that idea! We'll have to add it to the list - kids sleep while I don't - and more peace & quiet! Good one! :)

Noelle said...

yes, i want all of those things. except, instead of the mustang...i think i'd look pretty hot in a 2010 chevy camaro. black on black, please.

Jenny said...

Love the list. I wish I had time to write one right now. Soon, very soon, I will be done with this massive project and have time to breathe. Loved your post, though. One of my treats of relaxation for the day, reading your blog.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I'll take that pair of magic jeans and the wife. I've often asked my husband why we can't get us a couple of those....